Her Name in the Journal Before Mine (Jealous Love)

Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Dr. Lefèvre published in The Lancet
on Tuesday
The same temporal-parietal junction
I'd been circling since November
with better imaging
and a sample size that makes mine
look like a napkin sketch

I read it on the métro
standing up
holding the pole with one hand
and her citation list
with the other
She thanked people I introduced her to

[Pre-Chorus]
I don't want her to fail
I want her to have succeeded
second

[Chorus]
Her name in the journal before mine
and my ventromedial prefrontal
running the math on every metric
where she's ahead
I counted her co-authors
I counted her grant dollars
I counted the years between
her defence and mine
and subtracted them from my sleep

[Verse 2]
She presented at the same conference in Lyon
I sat in the fourth row and took notes
on a study I could have designed
with my left hand
while my right hand
applauded at the appropriate moments
The appropriate moments
were all of them

I bought her a coffee afterward
and smiled with every tooth I own
and meant it
and didn't mean it
simultaneously

[Pre-Chorus]
I don't want her to fail
I want the universe to notice
I was here first

[Chorus]
Her name in the journal before mine
and my ventromedial prefrontal
running the math on every metric
where she's ahead
I counted her co-authors
I counted her grant dollars
I counted the years between
her defence and mine
and subtracted them from my sleep

[Bridge]
The ugly thing is this:
I love the work
She also loves the work
The work does not love back selectively
It doesn't know my name
or hers
It just gets done
by whoever shows up
with steadier hands
that morning

And some mornings
her hands are steadier
and that's the part
I can't publish away

[Final Chorus]
Her name in the journal before mine
and the cingulate cortex processing
her success as my soft tissue injury
I will read every paper she writes
I will cite her where the science demands it
I will be generous and correct
and furious
and generous
and awake at two a.m.
reading her acknowledgements
looking for mine